A Hard Blog to Write

4427_1152410123409_7888687_nMay, 2009 for my Grandmother Hazel’s birthday-myself and my Tribe

This is a hard post to write.

My cousin posted on Facebook the other day, thanking me for being strong for all of us

Us meaning, our generation in this wonderfully complex clan that the Creator has gifted us with

My Aunt yesterday jokingly questioned how she got in this family and how could she get out of it

while we sat patiently, waiting for social workers

hospice advocates

in the comfortable but crowded hospital room where our matriarch, my Grandmother lay slightly resting in a hospital bed

It should be noted that her doctor had concerns about her health and wanted her to be seen by an ER doctor

It should be noted that my Mother and one of my Aunts had to drive her to U of C

because calling 911 would have diverted her to one of the worst hospitals in the city

It should be noted that perhaps, later on today, I will join my fellow Seminarians in a peaceful protest outside of U of C hospitals

Because it is only if your are privileged living in Hyde Park, or just period

that your trauma will be addressed at U of C

Ironic that this hospital who has had wonderful nurses and doctors to care for my Granny

is the same hospital who has not lived out its call to be a haven of rest, respite and care for all

Perhaps I am leaning on this call against injustice

and not addressing some of the uncertainty I am feeling

I did start out stating this would be a hard blog to write


Mother, my sisters and Granny

I wrote last week about the genogram I had to work on for my Healthy Leaders/Healthy Congregations class

Who I am in that Genogram is living out

I am my Mother’s child

I am a Seminarian, on the horizon of being Ordained

So therefore I care for those who are a part of me

and a part of my community

But the reality is that my Grandmother has advanced colon cancer

that for months she has barely taken voluntarily any nourishment

and there is nothing that can be done

How angry I was for a moment to learn, as you age

Doctors stop screening for various ailments and illnesses

She could have had this for over 10 years?

But radiation, chemotherapy would not even been appropriate 10 years ago

She’s 94

I wanted to have her around when I graduated, and became ordained

I wanted to have her here when I started my first call

Have her worship one Sunday morning

Now all I could do yesterday was hold her hand

and be thankful for the laughter as many of my extended family just sat around and shared stories

as we always do when we are all together

Not sure how I am feeling, too numb to weep

Thankful for my Seminary Community who reminds me that in this moment of transition

as we wait for the veil to part gently, and for the Creator to cradle her in God’s arms

in this moment I just need to be granddaughter

of a woman who taught me to be proud of who I am

and taught me my heritage through her cooking and baking

This is a hard blog to write

because I don’t know when to grieve.


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